I'm not sure where to really continue after leaving off for so long. This blog is mainly for me anyway, right? I'll just start with how I feel... Josh and I were married on June 8th, 2013. Just a few weeks ago, and it was the best day of my life. Now I don't know if it was the stress of planning everything or just the sheer anxiety of it all, but I kind of miss the chaotic mess of planning it. At first, I was relieved to have it all done and over with because I kept myself busy getting everything in order to change my name and playing the waiting game for our pictures, etc. Looking at the pictures now, I'm glad that my Dad walked me down the aisle. I'm glad that my Mom and my husbands Mom lit the unity candles. I'm glad that everyone who means the most to me got to share in my special day. I don't know what it is that I'm feeling, but it's like a void. I'm not really quite sure what it is, but I'm not myself lately. I'm normally a very easy sleeper, yet I've been waking up in cold sweats and crying almost every night after having nightmares that my children are dead. In reality, they're fine. When I get up to go check on them, they're fast asleep in their own beds and no harm has been done. Aside from that, my kids, as most people know, are my world. I might complain about them from time to time, but they mean everything to me. It does bother me, though, that no one understands them. Not even me. As much as I sit and try to figure them out, I can't. I just do not get what they are all about. Is that all kids? Or just mine? Or just kids with special needs? I don't know. I try so hard to help them make advances in their life, yet it's like I'm also embarrassed of them in public. It's hard for me to want to take them places because I know how it's going to end up. People staring, pointing, making comments under their breathe, or flat-out telling me I'm a poor parent. (What? How am I a poor parent when all I do is revolve my life around these kids? They are my highest priority and I don't let anything or anyone stand in my way of them. I don't let drugs, alcohol, or other things cloud my judgement on important steps of their lives.) I'm a great fucking Mom. Of all people who get them the most, I do. Then Josh, Aron, and my Mom. But of all people I want, other than me, to "get them" is my father. I feel like he favors his other grandchild. Is it because his other grandchild is a girl? A mostly well-behaved, adorable, funny, and smart little girl? Or is it because my kids are loud, sneaky, naughty, and emotionally train-wrecked? Well, not that it isn't true, but there is more to my kids than that. They're very bright, talented, sweet, humorous, kind, gentle, honest, and loving boys. I might only catch a glimpse of those traits once in a while, but I know they're there because when those do shine through all of the bad things, it helps me forget those bad things. I just with people, like my Dad, though not limited to him, would be able to see that. What my boys really want and desire is love and affection. They tell me hundreds of times a day that they love me. They let me know how important I am to them and how much they care about me. How is it fair that these two boys can't get that some love they give out returned to them by other people? Why can't anyone just accept them for who they are instead of telling me how terrible they act or how naughty they've been. I hate the fact that I don't feel welcome anywhere when I have my children, or I'm hurried out because of them, or just tolerated while we're there resulting in uncomfortable situations. I know people have a sigh of relief when we leave, but maybe if people who just reach out to them... get on their level, talk to them, be interested in them.... then that person might understand them a bit more each time, and my kids would start understanding you, too. They would learn what you like, what you don't like, how they should act. My kids aren't normal 5 and 6 year olds. They're different. They have the intellect of children much older than they really are, yet they are only 3 and 4 years old emotionally. My boys can't be dictated, they don't respond well to it. Though, I'm guilty of it, too. They have special connections to certain items (more so than the connection a toddler would have to his/her blankie or favorite stuffed animal for example.) They use their senses differently than you or I would. Their abilities to read, write, draw, color, use mathematics, or use objects for different purposes and creating things from other things... it's really amazing to see them excel in those areas. I'm so incredibly proud of my kids... why isn't anyone else, though? It's truly baffling. I know I'm rambling again, and probably just going in circles with this... so I'm done for the night. Hopefully I can sleep this feeling off, and make sense of it all another time.
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