Confessions and such

Welcome to my blog! If you're reading this, you are one of the few I've granted permission to view my emotions, my life, and my thoughts from my point of view. Here's to hoping more of you will understand better who I really am.

As this is my first ever blog, I've decided to start with a little background information in which it pertains to my current emotional state. I'm presently employed as a CNA, engaged to my fiance, Josh, and a mother to 2 little boys named Alex and Seth. Over the past few years, since the birth of my two very special little boys, I've become bitter and determined to not let my life spiral out of control... again. I once was a girl who lived recklessly and without alarm of being reprimanded in any sort. I became a habitual drug user, was in an abusive relationship, didn't care if I lived or died, and I sincerely hated my life. But back to why my sons are special is because of a few reasons. My oldest son, Alexander, saved my life. The lifestyle I was in then was not the lifestyle I wanted once I found out that I have created a child inside me. If it wasn't for my most unconditional love to keep that life safe and healthy, who knows where I would be now. Most likely, I'd still be a junky or dead and/or in prison. He has issues of his own as well, and we are currently seeking treatment for them. But aside from the negatives, Alex has a wonderful heart. I always wanted a boy to tell me he loves me everyday, and I also lucked out and got one that also calls me Mom. Another reason why my sons are so special to me is because they're just that; my sons. MY sons. Who would have ever thought that I would be responsible for someone else? Or in this case, two 'someone else's'. My kids have helped me in ways that not even words can describe. My youngest son, Seth, has Asperger's disorder. He has taught me the value of of being kind to others and not judging a book by its cover. He has taught me how to see the world in a very different and unique way that many other people do not get to experience or even dream about. A world about questions about everything. Anything. And nothing. It's truly amazing to try and see and feel what he does. Seth is so incredibly bright, and I wonder how I was so lucky to be blessed with such an amazing son. I can't wait to see what the world holds for them and how well I know they will succeed.

Backtracking, once again, to my life spiraling out of control. This time though, it's not due to drug use or a reckless lifestyle. Right now, regardless of the fact that I have two of the most amazing sons in my life, sometimes I wonder what would life be like without them emotionally, financially, and physically. I'm only one person, and playing Mommy and Daddy is so hard. Sure, I have Josh here to help me out, but at the same time, I know it's not his responsibility to care for these two boys. Despite the fact that Seth and Alex are completely and totally brilliant children, they are also very difficult to understand (emotionally) at times and it's frustrating. Keeping a cool head about things when it comes to their behaviors is an exceptionally daunting and tiring task most days. Most people look at them like they're totally out of control and that I'm a bad parent because I'm constantly asking them to keep their hands to themselves, to use 'inside voices', to sit still, to stop 'this' and to stop' that', to quit destroying things, to act their ages instead of acting like babies, etc. I know those things all seem like normal everyday things in a 4 and 5 years behavior, but mine take it to extremes that I can't even fathom having energy for. In fact, it drains ALL of my energy by the time we're done with out 20 minute shopping trip to Wal-Mart (not like I have a lot of energy to begin with).

Why don't I have energy? Good question. Every day that I wake up to pretty much goes like this: Wake up at 5:20 to go to work. Work from 6 until 2:30 where I'm overworked, under-appreciated, and under payed. Go home to my children and my home that is just infested with messes that apparently only I see. (Granted, Josh has been doing more around the house, I'm still not happy.) Why am I the only one who sees this mess? Because I suffer from OCD, and although I've been getting better with things "let be", I still have this insane urge that consumes my evening, or my days off from work, and doesn't allow me to relax. Ever.  I see things that I consider "wrong", where normal people consider it "neat, and tidy." I'm beyond wanting things "neat, and tidy". I want things in my home to be perfect... better than perfect. I want my home to look like it came right out of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine... everything is flawlessly in place, the carpet vacuumed, the floors mopped and waxed, the furniture placed in any of the rooms just so, laundry neatly folded and put away, dishes in their rightful places in my cabinets and drawers, beds made neatly, stove top clean and shiny, and everything dusted and detailed right down to buttons, knobs, nooks and crannies. Now, my home is NOT that clean, but it's what I strive for on a daily basis. I want my home to be warm and inviting, but I'm realizing more and more how all this OCD about having a clean home plays into the exact opposite of being warm and inviting. Things so nicely cleaned and placed makes guests uncomfortable and nervous about possibly "making a mess" or ruining something that is inevitable by just their very presence in the room. Then, after I've given up on being happy with the way my house looks and near completely neglecting to play with my children, it is bath/bed time for them around 8:00 pm. After this is when I sit and contemplate about things in which I have no control over like wanting to win the lottery because that would solve so many of my problems, or realistically dropping 100 pounds before I get married next June, or generally being happy. Not that happiness is impossible for me, just a bit out of my reach for now, but I'm taking to steps to get it back. It just seems like it's not worth it sometimes because I'm so stressed out about my kids, my money, my job, my relationship with Josh and others that I love, my self-image, my house and it's continual knack for being a pig pen, and hating the person I've become. Sometimes I think that taking the easy way out is the only way out and I find myself in a extreme state of depression and in scary thoughts of suicide.

Not to worry though, like I said, I'm taking the steps to get help with everything. I hope it helps me. From now on is where I turn a new page in my life and get back to the life I always imagined I would have.  My life, now summed up in a few paragraphs, is far from what my life entirely entails and I couldn't possibly explain everything I want to explain, but it's a good start.